The Past, Present and Future: My Experiences with Sexual Abuse and PTSD/CPTSD

This is the most difficult subject I’ve ever written. I’ve discussed it with very few people in my life due to its sensitive and complicated nature, but it’s time I said something. Certain people in my life will not like what I have to say, but I really don’t care at this point. What’s important is that I get my message/story out and ensure that it never happens to anyone else.

The topics I will be covering is PTSD/CPTSD, child abuse and sexual abuse. The abuse started when I was a little girl and it continued up until I was 17. The first incident happened in 1991 when I was 8 years old. The person that did this was someone close one of my mother’s friends. I never told anyone about this before, not even to my mother. Ironically back in 2010 my mother asked me if this person touched me and I said yes. Turns out he did it to other people he knew too, which disgusted me.

How could someone of authority do this and get away with it? I felt dirty, like someone poured dirt on me and buried me in it. I was too scared to tell anyone else so I’ve held it in for nearly 30 years…until now. The man that did this is still alive and I will be glad when he’s dead. I know it sounds harsh, but he’s a bad man and will have to answer to the Lord why he did it. According to The National Center of Victims of Crime:

1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys are victims of sexual abuse

Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident

Children are most vulnerable to CSA between the ages of 7 and 13.

These are highly disturbing statistics. I know from personal experience that the damage caused by sexual abuse can last for many years and possibly a lifetime. I’m still dealing with the effects of it. My child’s father was in his 50’s when I met him and I was only 16. When it was found out, he went to prison. I found out in 2008 that he was molesting children for many years and the last sex abuse crime he committed was against victims younger than the age of 8. When I called the prison where he was at, he claimed he was sterile and couldn’t have kids…but then gave ups his parental rights. I wanted to have nothing to do with him, but wanted him to give up his parental rights so that he could stay out of our lives for good.

The incident that hit me the hardest was when I was 17. I was sexually abused by someone that WAS very close to me. I never thought he’d do that and when it was discovered that he had done these things to me, he was reprimanded. We went to court but he didn’t go to jail. My mother wanted to skin him alive, but there was no point to resorting to violence. Not long after we went to court, he called me and asked me to tell the cops that he didn’t assault me. I said I refused, because you know you did it. The sad things was that his family took his side and basically said I was at fault for what had happened. His mother told me, “I forgive you.” What in the flying f*ck was that? You should be apologizing to ME about what your family member did. I don’t feel sorry for them because they’re enablers in denial and that I will not apologize for stating the truth.

The year before, I was abused by a friend of my family. We thought he could be entrusted around kids, but that sadly wasn’t the case. Once everyone found out what he did to me, all hell broke loose. Me and my cousin went to his house and we were about to beat his ass, but I backed out at the last minute. In my old neighborhood, word travels fast. One of his friends, Efrain and his friends came to my aid and dealt with him. He left town soon after that and was never seen in New York ever again.

It also turned out that he was abusing his wife (and possibly his daughter). I had people coming to me saying that I should be ashamed of myself for slandering him. Excuse me? He did it and I took offense to what she said. Why am I wrong for stating the truth? Some people can be so gullible, believing everything that’s said to them and that’s not right.  In the years following, I went into adult entertainment and remained in it for several years until finally quitting several months ago. I’ve lost friends and ruined relationships due to my involvement in adult entertainment. I’ve been called a slut, a bitch, a whore and other nasty names I cannot repeat here. When looking for a potential mate and I mentioned my past, they wanted to know details and see pictures and I shut them down real quick. It seemed like they viewed me as tainted and dirty and that nothing I would do would convince them I was a good person.

My last ex that I told about my past threw it back in my face and got insanely insecure and jealous because I was losing a lot of weight and he was afraid I’d leave him after I lost a significant amount of weight. He constantly accused me of cheating and invalidated my past traumas/abuse. I eventually left him in April 2017 because it was too much to deal with. I realized that it was a mistake telling him anything and I’ve had no dealings with him since. I had a hard time relating to him and being the girlfriend he wanted me to be due to my past sexual abuse history. He accused me of not loving him enough and liking him at all. I tried to explain to him why I felt like that, but it was fruitless. He acknowledged that I had PTSD and I agreed with him (I had already been diagnosed nearly a year prior).

PTSD doesn’t happen to only veterans and other military servicemembers…it can happen to anyone at anytime regardless of age and gender. All of the years of abuse and trauma have made it difficult for me to retain friendships and romantic relationships. My son’s father accused me of being the Ice Queen because I wasn’t very emotional and that if I didn’t change then I’d go down a path of destruction. Oh how right he was and it saddens me to say this. My grandmother isolated my mother and didn’t allow her to do much of anything growing up and it was passed down to me. That has done damage that I’m afraid I can’t shake.

Even in my current relationship, my PTSD is making things difficult. I’m not a selfish person but it can come off that way and that’s not my intention. All those years of being physically/emotionally/sexually abused have taken a lifelong toll on me, a huge toll that has affected me and many others. Sometimes I can seem unemotional, detached and uncaring, like I don’t really care about those around me. I isolate and can spend hours on the computer (or in my room). I find it very hard to comfort someone that’s emotional because it feels uncomfortable to me. I guess this is because of my past experience and I acknowledge that this is very unhealthy.

I’ve been told that you’re grown and that you can straighten yourself out, that I should get over my traumas and stop living in the past. It’s not that simple and you should NEVER EVER tell a person with PTSD/CPTSD to “just get over” what happened to them. It’s the worst form of invalidation and I felt even more worthless after he said it. I know that if I don’t get the help that I need, then I’ll end up losing my current relationship and that’ll devastate me because he’s been so good to me (and trying to lift up my spirits, encouraging me to better myself).

To those that have been abused: Never let anyone invalidate your experiences. Not everyone deserves to hear your story and if those people invalidate you then walk away. Do not stay silent and let the pain eat away at you, because it can destroy you (both emotionally and physically). Tell everyone your story so that others may get a better understanding of sexual abuse and to become more aware of the issue. Telling everyone your experiences will ensure that no one else has to go through the years (and decades) of sexual trauma.

 

References:

The National Center for Victims of Crime: Child Sexual Abuse Statistics

http://victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics

 

 

 

 

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